A year gone by

Last week little chef turned one.  I kind of expected to cry a little on his birthday or marvel at how quickly a year had gone by while sitting with a glass of wine watching him play.  But I didn’t have that ah-ha moment of clarity that my baby was growing up the way I imagined.  Instead this week I had some rough days.  Some days that made me question why I embarked on this journey.  Why I was sitting on the floor a stressed out tired reflection of who I used to be.  But once the clouds cleared {and a very good nights sleep brought to you by some sleep aid and a bottle of wine} I can now see the world the way I could before.

When I was a bright young prospect in culinary school {picture a racehorse all wound up and chomping at the bit} I thought I would have a wild amazing whirlwind career, and when I was ready I would settle down and run my culinary empire with an adorable baby at my side.  {Don’t laugh, I honestly thought this was a possibility}  But instead I worked at some very cool restaurants for about $3 an hour and lived off coffee, cigarettes, and draft beer.  And married the weirdest, coolest, and most loyal man I have ever met.  And… then got pregnant.  I very much planned this knocking up, but  had no idea the full vast extent of how it would change me.  I had no idea.  {I love it when people who have never had a baby give me parenting advise.  I usually say something along the lines of “I was SUCH a good parent  before I had a baby too”  I’m sassy like that}

It started with the lifestyle changes of pregnancy.  To those of you who never enjoy a nice brew or a glass of wine after a long day this part was clearly not a shock.  Quite a large chunk of the #cheflife is going out after work and drinking.  Enter pregnancy and I felt a little lost.  James made me some fancy sodas out of fruit purees so I could at least have fancy baby-brewing friendly beverages.

But not just lifestyle changed me.  That tiny little thing growing in my belly and pushing up every meal changed me.  {Not just the times I had to pull over on the side of the highway and barf up my breakfast, so glamorous}  I suddenly felt this surge, this feeling that I had more than myself to care for.  Like my body and my mind suddenly had more value because I was not alone in it.  And my heart beat.  My actual heart beat stronger and with more power.  I am told this is because of the extra blood you have to pump, but it was a very weird feeling.  I had never really “felt” my heart before.

I found pregnancy very tiring and not quite as “magical” as I have heard other women describe, but birth, that was my favorite.  I thought about John’s birth quite a bit this week.  They say you forget… and that’s why most people have a sibling.  Maybe I have forgotten.  Maybe these happy memories are all a lie. {we should have James weigh in here}

But seriously, birth.  Birthing a human {all dudes officially creeped out that I have said the word birth too many times already?.. birth} is an intense, insane crazy thing to do.  Your entire body completely takes over and it is the ONLY thing you can think about or do.  Many people describe birth with flowery words like “bringing baby earthside” or “surges” not pain.  Trust me there is pain.  But I have found, no good thing in life comes without pain.  The overwhelming feeling that takes control of your body is that you are getting this tiny human “earthside” if it’s the last damn thing you do.  And when you do.  Holy shit.  It is the highest, most empowering feeling in the universe.  As soon as John was born and I held that squishy wrinkly little man in my arms all gooey and slippery I felt like {If I could have stood up} I could climb the world’s highest mountain and wrestle a wild grizzly bear without breaking a sweat.  Truly an epic feeling.  One I would never trade for anything.

And then he wasn’t just a feeling inside me, or  a daydream, or a stronger heart.  {Side note, after you do have the baby your heart feels like its all whacky and it is trying too hard at a very normal job.  Don’t worry it goes away}  He was now a real person.  What a person he has become.

Looking back at his newborn pictures, and all this reminiscing has been so wonderful, and then little chef walks up and hollers at me in baby language and pulls at his pants and points and hollers like I am so incredibly daft because I do not understand.  So I took his pants off.  He smiled at me like “thank goodness you figured it out old lady” and marches off to put his play food in his wagon.  {if your bum was that cute you would also have no pants on}

Such is parenthood.  Huge epic life changes all surrounded by tiny day to day ones that all build up in to this crazy life.

Maybe I could have been a fancy chef with an empire, but then again maybe not.  Now I am a fancy mom with a play kitchen next to my real kitchen and two {that’s right, count em} two kitchen aid mixers.  Pretty sure that counts as an empire.

-Stephanie

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