Dreams.

I have always had very vivid dreams, ones that I cannot remove from my reality.  Ones that I wake up remembering and do not forget, I carry them around with me in my mind like memories.  Some are sweet and lovely, some are terrifying.

I used to have reoccurring dreams that truly were memories, memories I have wished and wished I could forget.  But night after night they came to haunt me.  In hindsight my relationship at the time and the complete lack of respect and love in it was a huge trigger for the dreams.  As of late they are almost non-existent.  I still dream, but not that one specific dream.  I have to say that I think the largest reason is my husband James.  He is my rock.  He truly loves every part of me.  In fact my mom likes to refer to him as “Pumpkin” {and not because she is being a creepy mother in law} because if you have ever read the book or seen the movie “Seabiscuit” you will know what she is talking about.  Racehorses are high strung animals, hell bent on racing, but not so much on being calm or good neighbours.  So quite often they pair racehorses with a very calm, very chill horse that becomes their companion.  Goes with them to every race, spends time with them in the pasture, and lives their live right beside them.  The presence of this horse calms the racehorse and allow them to not burn off their energy they need for winning on pre-race ridiculousness.  I was never, nor will ever be a laid back person.   It is the way I am built.  I love big, I feel big, I have big emotions positive and negative, and I dream big.  Nothing in moderation.  But James, James is my Pumpkin.  He is the calm voice in the tumulus sea of my mind.  He is the logic to my madness.  And he is what chases those dreams away.

But he can’t always chase them away.  They do sometimes return.  There are triggers that I know of, and some I do not.  Stress, the time of year, worry.  Last night the dream came back.  I wrestled with it and eventually woke.  Feeling caged and small and like a very mean gremlin was sitting on my chest laughing at the fact that it was hard for me to breathe.  But I was able to find my calm, snuggle in to James and pray.  I eventually fell back asleep.  The dream did not return.

A different dream took its place.  A strange one, influenced I am sure by watching “The Avengers” before bed.  I was in a type of police or army academy as a new recruit.  But all of the recruits, officers, everyone were all women.  I do not know what we were training for, but we were doing quite badass things like climbing huge walls and learning how to kick in a door.  We also had great outfits, all black and hugging all the right curves in all the right places.  {We looked so good, trust me.}  Also the actress Lea Michele from Glee was a matronly old chubby lady who was the place mascot and also had some kind of future telling abilities.  At one point in the dream the Director of the academy took myself and some of the women I was training with to a hall with a huge display set up in the middle.  The display was shaped like a giant ocean wave, and held every colour of gemstone you could imagine.  All in sequence flowing from one shade to the next.  Some shiny, some matte, some pattered.  All were set in to rings ranging from the smallest stones at the bottom to huge statement rings at the top.  She told us that we had passed our first step in our training and were one of the team now.  As a reward we were able to choose a ring.  One to represent us.  She showed us her finger and she had one of the biggest stones of all.  We trainees started to look along the bottom row at the smallest rings, assuming that because we were new, we were only allowed to pick from those.  The other women chose but I kept looking up at this magnificent deep turquoise almost turning to black stone with what looked like a Celtic spiral in the middle of it.  The Director came over to me and asked why I was not choosing the ring I so obviously was drawn to.  I told her that I didn’t think it was right for a new recruit to have a rock that was the same size and importance as the Directors.  She looked at me and said “How do you know I did not choose this stone as a new recruit, and took it all the way to the top?  Do not choose your dream based on where you are, choose them on where you will one day be.”  So I took the ring I wanted.  The biggest most beautiful ring there.  I slipped it on my finger and walked out of that big beautiful hall.

At this point John started to holler “mama” from his crab and I heard the thunk of his water bottle hitting the wall.  It was a rude reality check waking up from such a strange and splendid dream.  I have not been able to stop thinking about it all morning so I decided I needed to write it down.  Looking at it now I have the feeling that my mind is somehow showing me something.  They say you cannot have pleasure without pain, but is it possible you cannot have big dreams and ambitions without fear?  Do those two emotions and feeling need each other?  I don’t honestly know.  All I know is that the bravest dreamers and doers I have ever met also admit to having fear, and doubt.  And maybe all of this is coming out in my mind because I am days away from taking the step of starting my own company.  One that will hopefully be what allows me to work from home, and contribute financially to our family, while raising our beautiful and crazy children.  {True I do not have proof that the baby I am currently brewing will be wild, but I have a pretty good guess it will be}

So because I have not more answers than you do, and my inspiration comes from a crazy dream I had last night, I do not feel qualified to actually inspire you.  But maybe we can inspire each other.  Share both our dreams and our fears and choose our ambitions based on what we could be, not just what we are right now.

  • Stephanie

6 Comment

  1. Thriesa Hubers says: Reply

    love the vivid dream description! And your insight about the “Pumpkin” to soothe your racehorse personality. I married one of those calm horses, too :). I agree that fear and success are inter-connected. It is scary to step out and do something beyond what we are certain we can do. I regularly used to dream that I was playing a beautiful pipe organ in a public venue — in my bra and panty. There was never anywhere to hide and my shame felt vividly real for days after the dream. Haven’t had the dreams for years now, but I am not as self-conscious or nervous anymore when I play organ, piano, or keys on Praise Team.

    1. Thanks 🙂 I’m glad I am not the only one with these experiences.

  2. Thriesa Hubers says: Reply

    love the vivid dream description! And your insight about the “Pumpkin” to soothe your racehorse personality. I married one of those calm horses, too :). I agree that fear and success are inter-connected. It is scary to step out and do something beyond what we are certain we can do. I regularly used to dream that I was playing a beautiful pipe organ in a public venue — in my bra and panty. There was never anywhere to hide and my shame felt vividly real for days after the dream. Haven’t had the dreams for years now, but I am not as self-conscious or nervous anymore when I play organ, piano, or keys on Praise Team.

    1. Thanks 🙂 I’m glad I am not the only one with these experiences.

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